Creative Writing: Fuck the “I’m Sorry” out of me.

For context, I apologize a lot. I probably say I’m sorry 100 times a day or more. It is from trauma and is an awful habit that I would like to stop. I have been trying since the Fall to do so without success so I have been resorting to more creative approaches. Recently I thought if I changed the equation and introduced a pleasure stimuli I could trick my mind into thinking that I have no reason to ever apologize again. This is the fantasy.

our pain speaks through the silence. I feel your scars as you trace the tracks of my past tears with your eyes.

I leaned forward slightly exposing my breast through the top of my shirt. When I notice I cover myself and you ask why. I reply I don’t know and say that “I’m sorry”.

Your demeanor changes and you say “Stop”. It’s cold and chills the air. You asked me to stop apologizing several times before but I’m broken and scarred. I look up wide-eyed and shocked. Your voice was different.

You take my face in your hands sliding your thumb across my bottom lip and ask “What are your sorry for?” and I reply “Everything”.

I drop to my knees as you unzip your pants. I gaze up with adoration as you stroke your cock. As I wait you stare into my big doe eyes silently with disapproval. “How sorry are you?” You ask. “Punish Me,” I reply. “I never want to feel this way again.”

You point to a box on the nightstand. I open the box revealing handcuffs and a blindfold. The satin mask is dark and smooth my eyes. As I cuff my wrists together the cold metal makes me shiver.

Kneeling before you blindfolded with my hands between my thighs I feel your hand on the back of my head as you guide your cock into my mouth. Slowly sliding into me down into the back of my throat. With each stroke, my mouth sleeves your cock with spit. My pussy quivers as I moan between gasps of air.

Stroke by stroke and with seasoned timing you lead me by the back of my neck. my bound and blind body spread across the bed. Face down palms above my head I wait. Feeling your eyes on me as you slide the condom down your cock.

I hear you sigh as you look me over. I moan with desire. In the darkness, I feel your weight on the bed as you straddle then hover over me. From the silence, you whisper “What did you say”. I whimper “I’m sorry”.

You sigh and give a low grunt. I repeat “I’m sorry” and again. I feel your right-hand slide down my arm with intent to hold my wrists to the bed as your left slides up my skirt. As you lower your body on to mine I exhale with ecstasy.

You spread my legs wide with your thighs as you pull my panties to the side. I feel you between my soft lips as I drip onto your smooth hard dick. “Mmmmmmmm.” I moan.

I feel you tease the head of your cock on my vulva. My Pussy yearns for penetration but you withhold. With a voice as cold as the cuffs on my wrist I heard you say after tonight you won’t feel sorry ever again.

In a demanding voice, you repeat “say it” “say it”. I hesitate. feeling the pressure of your cock on my lips as you tease and take it away again. You lean into my ear and whisper “say it”. “I’m sorry.” I say and you reply “Again”.

Over and over and then it happens. I feel you. Sliding through my lips deep into me as I moan. “I’m sorry” begs between gasps of pleasure. With each stroke and demand, my voice softens until pleasure consumes me until I can’t speak.

This is what you’ve been waiting for full surrender and disconnection. As I let go of my mind my body takes over two moving as one. My rhythm takes hold of your soul as my body pulls your cum to me. I lift and lower my thighs to feel you deeper.

You move your right hand down under my knee pulling my right knee higher. “Ah-ha ah ha aha.” I moan. You feel my body contract and quiver. My thighs shake and my legs tremble. “Ah-ha ah ha aha. Mmmmm. Baby I’m going to cum!” I exclaim. “Ah-ha ah ha aha. Fuck . . . Mmmmmm.” My Pussy throbs you feel me as I recover.

As gasp for air you undo the cuffs flip me over and remove my blindfold. You ask if I’m okay and I laugh and say YES! You reply and say Good.

I look up at your face and down at your body as you enter me. I lift my legs high and hug them to the sides of your body. You cradle me in your arm with your head on my shoulder. I feel your breath on my neck and your voice surrounds me as you moan.

As you spread and thrust your way deeper into me I moan with pleasure with each stroke you get closer to climax. I feel it in your thighs as they press against mine. I start to cum. As I finish you let out one final “Ahhh” and release yourself into me sending a wave of energy throughout my body head to toe.

We lay still for a moment in silence. I kiss your face and tell you I appreciate you. You ask if I’m still sorry. And I say never.

‪I just want to say that. I am in trauma recovery. ‬

I just want to say that. I am in trauma recovery. I have trouble interacting with people personally and in public spaces. I have trouble with every day tasks like going to the grocery store because certain songs, sounds, and words trigger flash backs & panic attacks in me that make me feel unsafe.

I haven’t been the same since a relapse a few months ago. I recently tried to take a class at a public gym and couldn’t even get signed up because there were so many men in the space and the associate was so in my face that I melted down.

I also am living with Lupus an autoimmune disorder that impacts all the systems of my body and causes me flares triggered by stress. Since my trauma relapse I have been stuck in an vicious cycle of triggers and flares.

Up until this past winter I had managed my Lupus 100% med free and had a few flares a year. But after the relapse I have been flaring on and off for weeks at a time. I develop rashes and am losing my hair. I also started having new symptoms like brain fog and difficulty speaking. To the point where I have asked those close to me for changes in my behavior as a signal that I maybe starting to flare based of my mental clarity.

This year has been the so… I don’t even have the words. I have been in therapy for months and looking forward to expanding my care to some Industry based support services.

I am so thankful to my friends and fans for supporting me through this difficult time. I wouldn’t have made it this far without you.

Thank you.